A strange occurrence took place today at a coffee-shop.

Went there for a glass of iced tea to while away some hours before I had to go with Augusta to help her out with her language lessons. She’s such a darling thing, learning Italian because it pleases the Doctor, and French because she has a preference for the language herself.

Because I know and am fluent in both, I converse with her in whichever one she chooses, and usually I stay for dinner.

I haven’t been able to see Cassian for some time (out on business, maybe?). I hate it when he have little tiffs over nothing because we won’t even argue. He’ll just avoid it, bottle it up, and pretend nothing happened. I know he and Augusta had a movie date-- perhaps I’ll get the scoop from her.

Anyway. I was getting my drink. Violetta Valery, as always. I adore giving out fake names when ordering beverages (and La Traviata has indeed been following me around everywhere I go). Some guy caught my attention by the blatantly irritated look on his face. For some reason I was mildly amused by it. For a moment I even thought I knew him, before he pointed out that he did not, and I realized ‘Oh right, this isn’t California. You don’t know anyone here’.

Brown hair down to his shoulders, wavy, green eyes. Pretty looking boy. James, his name ended up being, as the clerk kept calling it out to give him his drink.

Right then and there, I just wanted to laugh out loud to myself.

Talk about Daddy issues.

Luckily, we call our biodad by his middle name, and not his first.

Again though, why do I gravitate towards long brown hair and green eyes. And why do I equate those physical attributes with qualities they don’t have? The Doctor’s been the only one not to disappoint in that area.

He was a very negative fellow, perpetually irritated.

First thought that came to mind “Clearly Incompatible”.

That is in fact still the verdict as I see it; polar opposites of the incompatible variety.

His brand of male is simply of no appeal to me, the same way I’m of no appeal to him.

To my surprise I became terribly upset when Claudia kept poking fun at perhaps the most intense scene in the whole bloody play. She was mocking the performance, not so much the script itself, but still. It was Placido Domingo, and Teresa Strattas. Had she mocked Callas or Hvorostovsky (By God, she wouldn’t dare do it in my presence) I don’t know how I would have reacted.

James only worsened things by calling me a ‘walking, talking contradiction’. A romantic description I would have found flattering just on account of its romance had it sprung from anyone else’s lips, but irritating because it was said by him, it was taken as an insult dripping with the built up negativity that seems to emanate from every inch of his body.

We began to argue, I grew more upset. He didn’t share my views, which I frankly didn’t mind. Not everyone can, or will even if presented with the opportunity. What irritated me was his refusal to drop the subject, when all I wanted to do was revert to my pleasant mood of before.

At a certain point during his patronizing, condescending, rude and hostile speech, my good mood returned to me. It suddenly became interesting listening to him. I was entranced by all he said. Of course I didn’t agree with half the things he said, but what Aristotle said had rung true, and had indeed very much applied to this--- just because I didn’t agree, didn’t mean I couldn’t listen to what he had to say, understand it, sympathize with it, and simply store it for some other time.

He probably thought he was wasting his time in arguing with me, but I really did take an interest, and acknowledge all he said. It almost seems as though I took advantage of the whole situation with the amount of delight I took from it.

Something that raced through my mind just now, is the source of my reluctance to take this experiment seriously.

I think I understand now, the source of Augusta’s inner conflict. Its almost the same as when she decided she wanted to make a full personality change to become more dominant. She was terrified of the thought of doing the switch, not liking it, and not being able to go back the same way one can’t un-learn something. Once one’s eyes have been opened to something, attempting to blind one’s self again is an impossibility.

Indeed that is the case with me. I have absolutely everything to lose. If I do engage in this experiment, and take it seriously; I mean, really make an effort, I have absolutely everything to lose. I’m deliriously happy at the moment. My situation in life really couldn’t be better. This is all a selfish whim-- mere curiosity. A sort of challenge to myself to see if I can pull it off.

If things go wrong, and I can’t revert to my previous frame of mind, then I’ve lost everything-- I’ve lost my chance at being happy.

My happiness clearly revolves around my willingness to choose to be happy above everything else-- choose to see things one way, rather than the other. Basically, my willingness to persuade myself of things as though some sort of CBT or CRT.

If I lose my ability to revert to this current frame of mind, then I really am doomed.

With Augusta it worked-- everything turned out for the good, but only because the Doctor helped her through it. I recall her losing her mind for a couple days and Michael having to help her through it all. It was a tremendous milestone in their relationship.

Augusta has Michael who adores her, to help her through things, and while I have all three of my boys, I can’t predict whether my behavior will alienate them from myself or not, in which case I would lose my mind and have no one to provide any sort of ‘aftercare’ for me.

Another concern is my loves, my dearest ones. I need to speak to them of this. If I am to be serious about this, I need their reassurance over the fact that despite anything, it won’t affect our dynamic.

Jeffery has already made a tremendous shift by becoming involved with Ms. Kinlan, and we’ve all been supportive of him. And Michael and I did at one time attempt to part ways in terms of our little carnal affair. As I recall, the only problem was the sexual tension, but he was extremely determined to commit himself fully to Augusta until she asked him not to, admitting she didn’t think she could provide for him what I did.

Even now, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve even slept with him. With Augusta being the little nymphet that she is, he doesn’t have to.

As for Cassian, it would probably please him to learn I’m actually giving this a try. Though he’s never actually said anything, I know he must resent me for everything.

In light of all of this, the shift doesn’t seem to come with any severe changes in my dynamic with my darlings.

The changes would all revolve around me.

I’ve already ceased with my incestuous tendencies, and my wonder-slut days. Actually, looking back on things, I’ve really mellowed down. At my twenty-one years of age, I’m committed to only two men, not sleeping with Jeffery anymore, grown bored with vanilla one-night-stands and one-night-stands in general. Fulfilled perhaps every possible need for libertinage I might have had from nude modeling to fetish modeling to stripping, to lesbianism, to being an escort, to being a slave, to training as a mistress, to I don’t recall what else.

This might actually be a possibility.

I suppose with the proper use of communication and compromise, anything can be achieved.

Now comes the matter of ‘making the leap’ and falling in love, how said love interest will deal with my colorful past, and how my SM tendencies will fall into all this.

I don’t now why my sudden interest in monogamy has sparked such a scandal with everyone I know.

It really is quite amusing.

Everyone is discussing techniques to ‘breaking’ me. I can’t help but laugh. It’s as though I’m some kind of wild, uncivilized thing in need of re-education.

I’m officially titling this experiment ‘The Traviata Fiasco’. A clever allusion to Verdi’s La Traviata, where a Parisian courtesan leaves her life of hedonism and libertinage over the man who steals her heart and ‘rescues’ her from living in sin.

Given she gives up the man she loves for his own good, and she dies in the arms of her lover, both things I plan to steer clear from, but still, a good enough experiment.

The reason I title it a fiasco is because I don’t believe I’ll ever truly convert to the restricted ways of monogamy (I’m far too happy with my freedom), and also, because I predict my vain attempt at a conversion of any sort will indeed result in a terrible fiasco.

It will indeed be a humiliating failure-- not in the sense that I will feel humiliation over not accomplishing my goal, I could care less about that, but rather, the whole affair will involve humiliating situation after humiliating situation.

Let’s face it, not every vanilla boy out there will be comfortable with my kind of background. And while I don’t feel shame, nor do I regret any of the things I’ve done, I’m bound to be severely judged and misunderstood. Which again, I honestly don’t mind. It’s once I’ve grown attached to someone, and they begin to run me down over past things I’ve done, that I truly get hurt.

There’s a difference between stating true facts, and being sadistically cruel.

I suppose that is why I cling so affectionately to this new ‘family’ of mine.

There is an admirable lack of prejudice.

I admit I do find perverse pleasure in making your average Vanilla-boy, or your average Mr. Straight cringe in shock or terror at the mention of this or that, however. And it is, in fact, the surest way to rid myself of someone, or to test how interested they are in me.

I wonder if these is one of the cases where one must lie and lie well? If it’s going to be a tryst, there’s nothing wrong in being Violetta Valery. I adore crafting up characters for myself and playing the parts as though they were true.

For this experiment to work, and for it to be a long term commitment, I’ll have to steer away from your average Mr. Straight. No good ever comes from playing the role of the prudish little lamb, only to then ask what they think about being beaten with a cane, or if they’d be willing to do a whipping session.

It requires too much trust and confidence, I’m afraid. I’ve never let anyone ‘play’ with me without having trusted them with my life first. Jeffery I could coach and mold as I pleased. Then the 3 months I spent in Nicolai’s estate serving as a slave. He knew was he was doing--- he’d been doing it all his life.

With Michael there really is a sense of trust where no topic of conversation is taboo, and so we discuss how to please the other better, and exchange boudoir stories. There is an actual friendship involved-- it’s not a matter of ‘business’. And he’s a doctor, of course, so he knows where and how to hit without risking any of the vital organs, and he’s an excellent ‘aftercare’ provider.

Equally, I’ve studied all this; taken classes for properly abusing someone and not hurting them, and how to provide the proper aftercare.

I wonder if going for sessions to a Domina while in a relationship is cheating?

If your partner can’t fulfill your sadomasochistic needs, or refuses to do so, you should be entitled to be able to go to someone who can provide them. It’s not like you’re paying for sex since you’re not getting any. You’re paying for another kind of service.

I think Bree Van de Kamp had to deal with Rex going elsewhere for it, since she couldn’t do it.

It really is a complex topic.

Very well, so after much insisting on part of my beloved brother (forgive me for neglecting you, love, I shall be ringing you this evening as soon as you're available) and both Michael and Augusta, I've decided to join the bandwagon.

I cannot believe 'Sempre Libera' and 'La Traviata' were already taken. It seems so terribly unjust, given how appropiate both those names are! I suppose 'La Bacchante' will have to do-- which is in fact a rather appropiate title, sumarizing almost everything there is about me.

Last night when Jeffery and I drove over to Michael's for Tea (no one was available at four, sadly enough-- though I suppose I could have had it with Jeffery and Ms. Kinlan, though honestly I craved Michael and Augusta's company and conversation more at the time, and Cassian was absolutely nowhere to be found) we had a very interesting conversation.

It's all been building up for quite some time. I've become impossibly curious about being in a committed, monogamous relationship, more out of a selfish whim and a pang of jealousy, than anything else. I can't help but feel overcome by a not unhealthy dose of jealousy everytime I'm around my brother and Ms. Kinlan, or Michael and Augusta.

It's only natural, I suppose, to want that. Though I find monogamy quite unnatural, it is inevitable to want to 'pair bond' with someone. We're hardwired to do so for the sake of maintaining the species.

Everyone came to the conclusion that my temperament was too unfit for that type of relationship, because it would require for me to do a full turn and become the exact opposite of me.

This sounds indeed like a tempting challenge.

Michael pointed out that my way of dealing with men revolves around the premise of Venus in Furs. I hadn't caught on to that (I haven't read that book since I was a teenager) until he quoted a few verses.

I didn't take anything of what they said as an insult. If anything, I encouraged them to be blunt.

Augusta (blunt little darling that she is) said that the bottom line was that I was too selfish. And indeed I am very aware of this. The reason I wouldn't function in a monogamous relationship is because I refuse to not get what I want when I want it, if I can do anything about it.

That is to say, if a man can't fulfill certain needs-- be it conversation, love, affection, sex, BDSM, I don't agonize over it. I don't think twice before simply going to someone who will fulfill said need.

Even now I go to Michael for friendship, conversation, sex, affection and BDSM. I'm sexually attracted to him, though not romantically so, which is why our arrangement is so perfect. I feed other parts of my personality with my darling Cassian and Jeffery, and so, to quote Augusta:

"Between Cassian, Jeffery and Michael, she’s created a safe ‘womb’ of sorts where she gets everything she needs. Unconditional love and affection she gets from all of them at no price whatsoever. She’s with all three of them on her own terms."

I really do admire her keen sense of insight.

Before going home, I borrowed Michael and Augusta's copy of Venus in Furs, skimming rapidly through the pages to find those passages which rang so true in my heart when I was younger, and which I've subconciously applied ever since.

"The ideal which I strive to realize in my life is the serene sensuousness of the Greeks—pleasure without pain. I do not believe in the kind of love which is preached by Christianity, by the moderns, by the knights of the spirit. Yes, look at me, I am worse than a heretic, I am a pagan."

"Let me finish. It is only man's egoism which wants to keep woman like some buried treasure. All endeavors to introduce permanence in love, the most changeable thing in this changeable human existence, have gone shipwreck in spite of religious ceremonies, vows, and legalities. Can you deny that our Christian world has given itself over to corruption?"

"But you are about to say, the individual who rebels against the arrangements of society is ostracized, branded, stoned. So be it. I am willing to take the risk; my principles are very pagan. I will live my own life as it pleases me. I am willing to do without your hypocritical respect; I prefer to be happy. The inventors of the Christian marriage have done well, simultaneously to invent immortality. I, however, have no wish to live eternally. When with my last breath everything as far as Wanda von Dunajew is concerned comes to an end here below, what does it profit me whether my pure spirit joins the choirs of angels, or whether my dust goes into the formation of new beings? Shall I belong to one man whom I don't love, merely because I have once loved him? No, I do not renounce; I love everyone who pleases me, and give happiness to everyone who loves me. Is that ugly? No, it is more beautiful by far, than if cruelly I enjoy the tortures, which my beauty excites, and virtuously reject the poor fellow who is pining away for me. I am young, rich, and beautiful, and I live serenely for the sake of pleasure and enjoyment."