A strange occurrence took place today at a coffee-shop.

Went there for a glass of iced tea to while away some hours before I had to go with Augusta to help her out with her language lessons. She’s such a darling thing, learning Italian because it pleases the Doctor, and French because she has a preference for the language herself.

Because I know and am fluent in both, I converse with her in whichever one she chooses, and usually I stay for dinner.

I haven’t been able to see Cassian for some time (out on business, maybe?). I hate it when he have little tiffs over nothing because we won’t even argue. He’ll just avoid it, bottle it up, and pretend nothing happened. I know he and Augusta had a movie date-- perhaps I’ll get the scoop from her.

Anyway. I was getting my drink. Violetta Valery, as always. I adore giving out fake names when ordering beverages (and La Traviata has indeed been following me around everywhere I go). Some guy caught my attention by the blatantly irritated look on his face. For some reason I was mildly amused by it. For a moment I even thought I knew him, before he pointed out that he did not, and I realized ‘Oh right, this isn’t California. You don’t know anyone here’.

Brown hair down to his shoulders, wavy, green eyes. Pretty looking boy. James, his name ended up being, as the clerk kept calling it out to give him his drink.

Right then and there, I just wanted to laugh out loud to myself.

Talk about Daddy issues.

Luckily, we call our biodad by his middle name, and not his first.

Again though, why do I gravitate towards long brown hair and green eyes. And why do I equate those physical attributes with qualities they don’t have? The Doctor’s been the only one not to disappoint in that area.

He was a very negative fellow, perpetually irritated.

First thought that came to mind “Clearly Incompatible”.

That is in fact still the verdict as I see it; polar opposites of the incompatible variety.

His brand of male is simply of no appeal to me, the same way I’m of no appeal to him.

To my surprise I became terribly upset when Claudia kept poking fun at perhaps the most intense scene in the whole bloody play. She was mocking the performance, not so much the script itself, but still. It was Placido Domingo, and Teresa Strattas. Had she mocked Callas or Hvorostovsky (By God, she wouldn’t dare do it in my presence) I don’t know how I would have reacted.

James only worsened things by calling me a ‘walking, talking contradiction’. A romantic description I would have found flattering just on account of its romance had it sprung from anyone else’s lips, but irritating because it was said by him, it was taken as an insult dripping with the built up negativity that seems to emanate from every inch of his body.

We began to argue, I grew more upset. He didn’t share my views, which I frankly didn’t mind. Not everyone can, or will even if presented with the opportunity. What irritated me was his refusal to drop the subject, when all I wanted to do was revert to my pleasant mood of before.

At a certain point during his patronizing, condescending, rude and hostile speech, my good mood returned to me. It suddenly became interesting listening to him. I was entranced by all he said. Of course I didn’t agree with half the things he said, but what Aristotle said had rung true, and had indeed very much applied to this--- just because I didn’t agree, didn’t mean I couldn’t listen to what he had to say, understand it, sympathize with it, and simply store it for some other time.

He probably thought he was wasting his time in arguing with me, but I really did take an interest, and acknowledge all he said. It almost seems as though I took advantage of the whole situation with the amount of delight I took from it.

Something that raced through my mind just now, is the source of my reluctance to take this experiment seriously.

I think I understand now, the source of Augusta’s inner conflict. Its almost the same as when she decided she wanted to make a full personality change to become more dominant. She was terrified of the thought of doing the switch, not liking it, and not being able to go back the same way one can’t un-learn something. Once one’s eyes have been opened to something, attempting to blind one’s self again is an impossibility.

Indeed that is the case with me. I have absolutely everything to lose. If I do engage in this experiment, and take it seriously; I mean, really make an effort, I have absolutely everything to lose. I’m deliriously happy at the moment. My situation in life really couldn’t be better. This is all a selfish whim-- mere curiosity. A sort of challenge to myself to see if I can pull it off.

If things go wrong, and I can’t revert to my previous frame of mind, then I’ve lost everything-- I’ve lost my chance at being happy.

My happiness clearly revolves around my willingness to choose to be happy above everything else-- choose to see things one way, rather than the other. Basically, my willingness to persuade myself of things as though some sort of CBT or CRT.

If I lose my ability to revert to this current frame of mind, then I really am doomed.

With Augusta it worked-- everything turned out for the good, but only because the Doctor helped her through it. I recall her losing her mind for a couple days and Michael having to help her through it all. It was a tremendous milestone in their relationship.

Augusta has Michael who adores her, to help her through things, and while I have all three of my boys, I can’t predict whether my behavior will alienate them from myself or not, in which case I would lose my mind and have no one to provide any sort of ‘aftercare’ for me.

Another concern is my loves, my dearest ones. I need to speak to them of this. If I am to be serious about this, I need their reassurance over the fact that despite anything, it won’t affect our dynamic.

Jeffery has already made a tremendous shift by becoming involved with Ms. Kinlan, and we’ve all been supportive of him. And Michael and I did at one time attempt to part ways in terms of our little carnal affair. As I recall, the only problem was the sexual tension, but he was extremely determined to commit himself fully to Augusta until she asked him not to, admitting she didn’t think she could provide for him what I did.

Even now, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve even slept with him. With Augusta being the little nymphet that she is, he doesn’t have to.

As for Cassian, it would probably please him to learn I’m actually giving this a try. Though he’s never actually said anything, I know he must resent me for everything.

In light of all of this, the shift doesn’t seem to come with any severe changes in my dynamic with my darlings.

The changes would all revolve around me.

I’ve already ceased with my incestuous tendencies, and my wonder-slut days. Actually, looking back on things, I’ve really mellowed down. At my twenty-one years of age, I’m committed to only two men, not sleeping with Jeffery anymore, grown bored with vanilla one-night-stands and one-night-stands in general. Fulfilled perhaps every possible need for libertinage I might have had from nude modeling to fetish modeling to stripping, to lesbianism, to being an escort, to being a slave, to training as a mistress, to I don’t recall what else.

This might actually be a possibility.

I suppose with the proper use of communication and compromise, anything can be achieved.

Now comes the matter of ‘making the leap’ and falling in love, how said love interest will deal with my colorful past, and how my SM tendencies will fall into all this.