Very well, so after much insisting on part of my beloved brother (forgive me for neglecting you, love, I shall be ringing you this evening as soon as you're available) and both Michael and Augusta, I've decided to join the bandwagon.

I cannot believe 'Sempre Libera' and 'La Traviata' were already taken. It seems so terribly unjust, given how appropiate both those names are! I suppose 'La Bacchante' will have to do-- which is in fact a rather appropiate title, sumarizing almost everything there is about me.

Last night when Jeffery and I drove over to Michael's for Tea (no one was available at four, sadly enough-- though I suppose I could have had it with Jeffery and Ms. Kinlan, though honestly I craved Michael and Augusta's company and conversation more at the time, and Cassian was absolutely nowhere to be found) we had a very interesting conversation.

It's all been building up for quite some time. I've become impossibly curious about being in a committed, monogamous relationship, more out of a selfish whim and a pang of jealousy, than anything else. I can't help but feel overcome by a not unhealthy dose of jealousy everytime I'm around my brother and Ms. Kinlan, or Michael and Augusta.

It's only natural, I suppose, to want that. Though I find monogamy quite unnatural, it is inevitable to want to 'pair bond' with someone. We're hardwired to do so for the sake of maintaining the species.

Everyone came to the conclusion that my temperament was too unfit for that type of relationship, because it would require for me to do a full turn and become the exact opposite of me.

This sounds indeed like a tempting challenge.

Michael pointed out that my way of dealing with men revolves around the premise of Venus in Furs. I hadn't caught on to that (I haven't read that book since I was a teenager) until he quoted a few verses.

I didn't take anything of what they said as an insult. If anything, I encouraged them to be blunt.

Augusta (blunt little darling that she is) said that the bottom line was that I was too selfish. And indeed I am very aware of this. The reason I wouldn't function in a monogamous relationship is because I refuse to not get what I want when I want it, if I can do anything about it.

That is to say, if a man can't fulfill certain needs-- be it conversation, love, affection, sex, BDSM, I don't agonize over it. I don't think twice before simply going to someone who will fulfill said need.

Even now I go to Michael for friendship, conversation, sex, affection and BDSM. I'm sexually attracted to him, though not romantically so, which is why our arrangement is so perfect. I feed other parts of my personality with my darling Cassian and Jeffery, and so, to quote Augusta:

"Between Cassian, Jeffery and Michael, she’s created a safe ‘womb’ of sorts where she gets everything she needs. Unconditional love and affection she gets from all of them at no price whatsoever. She’s with all three of them on her own terms."

I really do admire her keen sense of insight.

Before going home, I borrowed Michael and Augusta's copy of Venus in Furs, skimming rapidly through the pages to find those passages which rang so true in my heart when I was younger, and which I've subconciously applied ever since.

"The ideal which I strive to realize in my life is the serene sensuousness of the Greeks—pleasure without pain. I do not believe in the kind of love which is preached by Christianity, by the moderns, by the knights of the spirit. Yes, look at me, I am worse than a heretic, I am a pagan."

"Let me finish. It is only man's egoism which wants to keep woman like some buried treasure. All endeavors to introduce permanence in love, the most changeable thing in this changeable human existence, have gone shipwreck in spite of religious ceremonies, vows, and legalities. Can you deny that our Christian world has given itself over to corruption?"

"But you are about to say, the individual who rebels against the arrangements of society is ostracized, branded, stoned. So be it. I am willing to take the risk; my principles are very pagan. I will live my own life as it pleases me. I am willing to do without your hypocritical respect; I prefer to be happy. The inventors of the Christian marriage have done well, simultaneously to invent immortality. I, however, have no wish to live eternally. When with my last breath everything as far as Wanda von Dunajew is concerned comes to an end here below, what does it profit me whether my pure spirit joins the choirs of angels, or whether my dust goes into the formation of new beings? Shall I belong to one man whom I don't love, merely because I have once loved him? No, I do not renounce; I love everyone who pleases me, and give happiness to everyone who loves me. Is that ugly? No, it is more beautiful by far, than if cruelly I enjoy the tortures, which my beauty excites, and virtuously reject the poor fellow who is pining away for me. I am young, rich, and beautiful, and I live serenely for the sake of pleasure and enjoyment."